January 28, 2011

Brian Wilson on Lopez Tonight: "I’m insane by situation"

Just when I thought Brian Wilson couldn’t possibly get more insane, he goes on “Lopez Tonight” and proves me wrong. The guy is certifiably nuts.

Wilson appeared on comedian George Lopez’s variety show Thursday night to pitch 2K Sports’ new video game, MLB 2K11. For good measure, he brought along an action figure of The Machine, talked about getting massages in Thailand during the offseason, and then beat Lopez in a friendly game of How’s It Hanging, a la Guy Fieri’s “Minute To Win It.”

Wilson came out on stage puffing a pipe and wearing a sailor outfit complete with peach-colored pants, black pea coat, “Finding Nemo” socks (as G-Lo called them) and — not one — but two captain’s caps. When Lopez asked the Giants closer about his apparel, Wilson (whose famous beard was dyed grey for the show) said, “When I meet people for the first time, they say I remind them of a few characters — Chuck Norris one of them.”

Lopez asked Wilson to compare his pitching to Norris, to which he replied, “Well, Chuck Norris has been known to throw 100 mph fastball. I’ve been known to throw Chuck Norris 100 mph.”

Wilson then told Lopez, “I wanted to closely relate to a seaman…..c’mon, not that kind of semen, folks.”

The pitcher then talked about his recent trip to Thailand. “I engaged in some activities that I’m proud of,” Wilson told the audience. “I did what any normal, 28-year old single male would do in a foreign country. I had a lot of massages.” Tongue in cheek (I think — it’s hard to tell with Wilson sometimes), he continued, “They were strictly sexual.” (He later said they were just foot massages.)

Wilson then unveiled a 6″ action figure of The Machine, calling him “a figment of your imagination. He’s not there, but he is. And you respect him.”

Lopez tried to match Wilson’s humor by saying he once had an aunt who dressed like The Machine. Wilson told the comedian that The Machine has ESP powers. Lopez got his biggest laugh of the night, when he said, “He knows what I’m thinking right now — that you’re a crazy mother f—er.”

Wilson also talked about his process for preparing to get into a baseball game.

“By the time I get into the game, I’m just rarin’ to go. You’re warming up in the eighth inning just to prepare yourself and if you don’t get into the game, it’s pretty much called a dry hump. And it hurts. By the time you actually get in the game, you wanna murder someone. Crazy’s out the door. You’re insane by situation.”

Lopez then introduced a commercial in which Wilson interacts with his MLB2K11 avatar, saying his beard is sweeter than his avatar’s beard and that “not even the most perfect honey is sweeter than this beard.”

The Lopez show concluded with Wilson and the host competing in a game called “How’s It Hanging” in which the two hung bananas by a string 12″ above the ground between their legs. They then had to swing their hips to knock two oranges into a hula hoop on the floor. And they had to do it in 60 seconds or less while Fieri, the Food Network star, acted as game show host. Wilson won the challenge in 47 seconds.